Instantaneous Position

Isn't this a blog about you? (you ask me) Well, yes. But it so happens that I'm sitting in a library in the middle of the UMass Lowell campus listening to the rain. It occurs to me that I shall be here for but a short time...and even then, I won't ever return to this specific moment again. That said...it's a pretty intense little slice of life encapsulated herein. The question of beginning is a difficult one even to contemplate, and yet it is exactly what I shall do, no doubt somewhere in the middle.

I am returned once more to the land of college applications, only for real this time. [What I mean by that is not that last year's endeavor which placed me here was anything less than real, but rather that the backup plan for failure to achieve my true dreams this year are nowhere near so glossy or rosy in their scope: I may have to settle for a lesser university. On the other hand, this suggests the possibility of study abroad in some foreign land...such as Germany! but I digress.] The SAT subject tests haunt my dreams, and hopefully I will expunge them from my spirit like the evil collection of questions they are this Saturday with what I hope will be my last round of subject tests either. Indeed, I find the intense concentration on test scores more than slightly ridiculous, and yet it is something I am driven to by the world I live in. My environment has made of me but one more little test-bound gofer. Much as I despise it, I blend with all the other overachievers in this stress, and in this hope that my other activities will somehow differentiate me from the crowd.

Indeed, I was somewhat incredulous to hear that my first choice college is actively recruiting someone from my school for their sports achievements. Unfortunately, I find this the most unfair of turnabouts, given that their achievements in sports seem in no way [to me] superior to my own extracurricular ones, and yet the sports advantage will out, if a commitment is made for varsity for 4 years.

At times, the system is grossly unfair. However, I find this nothing more than a passing irritation, drowned by the rain, and occluded by the pleasant breeze coming in with the sound through an open window near where I reside. I can be amazing, I will be amazing, in fact, I am amazing. It is easy to lose sight of this when I surround myself with people who are even more amazing than I am. However, they are what makes life worth living.

Fred, who is as out of my league as the stars are beyond the moon; Bettina, who speaks English better than most native English speakers; my father, who entered grad school at MIT when he was 18; my doctor who attended MIT for his undergrad in chem & chemical engineering and then went on to Harvard for med school; my piano teacher, who got his PhD in physics at Harvard after studying there for his undergraduate degree...and the list trundles on until I run out of paper, patience, and strength in my wrists. [not necessarily in that order]

I have a passion for math. I have a passion for neurology. I have a passion for computer science. I have lesser passion for chemistry, physics, and biology. I have a strong passion for music. In fact, I love to learn. There are almost no subjects I despise, in fact none. Only those I do not like nearly as well.

To that end, I will definitely be striving to perform better than I ever have before, and indeed to do well on my essays. Because much depends on me for the next month.

I can do it!

Updates

Unless my temporal indicator is far removed from reality, the time has come for a long overdue blog post! I'd apologize, except that I write in no capacity except as an outlet for my own creative urges: therefore the aforementioned apology may be a long time in coming. I will, however, confess to a certain apologetic aura which may last for the duration of this paragraph [that's as close as I'm getting to an outright confession].

Ordinarily my blogging is inversely proportional to my stress. [that is to say that the more stressed I am, the more I blog]. However...my life for the recent past has been fairly low-stress. Or rather, it's been filled with a certain delicious stress. The cause? A new addition to my life. The female half of a couple of my best friends [who happen to be a couple, how's that for cool English construction?] decided some time ago that she wanted to have another sibling. Don't ask me why -- my two siblings are more than enough for me. However, this was her [and her family's] decision, so I can't really judge. The approach she took was to find an exchange student, and to host said student for a year. In this case, that student was from Germany, and her name was Bettina. [to you, the astute or pre-informed reader...hush your thoughts and just keep reading]. When I was first told about her, I didn't give too much thought to the addition to our little group of friends, as I was deep in the college process at the time, and extremely nervous about my future for this year. However...I found her to be more than interesting upon her arrival.

Needless to say, we'll skip some history and awkward conversations, and oblivious male bumbling...and eventually we reach the part where I ask her out and she says yes. Now, college apps tell you all over the place how they don't want to hear about your romantic life, and that your girl/boyfriend is not a valid topic for *serious* writing. Here, however, it is the most serious of topics, for it concerns that which is most essential to me -- my heart. [mmmk, you called my bluff. My brain is pretty important too -- but we'll keep to the metaphysical for a while here]. To make a long story short...my life has taken a rather potent turn for the happier, ever since that week towards the end of August when she entered it. The net effect has been a tremendous reduction in the type of hopeless stress I usually suffer [compounded in no small part, I suspect, by a vast reduction in busywork at UMass Lowell].

For the first time in quite some time [as I can attest with my Yahoo! status. ":| Not a good day. Maybe next week." 29 WEEKS AGO it informs me] I can say with a great deal of satisfaction...I am happy! Time to clear out the dust, and try out my smiling muscles again.

;)

On the more scholastic note...I dearly love Honors Calculus III - tomorrow I shall probably continue my proof spree [4 today!]. I am bored stiff by Theories of Learning and Creative Writing: English, and I could take or leave Assembly Lang & Comp Org. UML has little to nothing in the way of clubs -- so I continue to use my high school as my social base. I will be teaching my local Calc BC class on Friday...and I am reminded of just how much I love both math and computer science. Indeed, the only thing missing is some heavy duty neurology, and I'll be peachy.

It's good to be alive and learning.

:)

Secret

Here, in this most private of public places, I'm going to share a secret with you, my nonexistent reader. Writing is hard. This is perhaps the most Earth shattering of revelations to reach, but it's true: there is nothing easy about good prose. I have friends who revile prose, friends who adore it. And then, I have friends with all manners of attitudes towards the process by which prose is improved: writing. Some people hate to write, but love to learn, whilst others love to write and hate to learn. I fall into the middle, with a good many further different people: I both love to learn, and love to write.

With that said, writing is STILL very hard -- no matter how much you do it. But the work pays off, and the end result is usually something that makes me feel warm and tingly [I almost said you, but I shan't put words in your mouth]. EVEN understanding this relationship with writing [to be clear: that it's work with a marked dividend]...I still find that my last post was more than 2 weeks ago. In fact, much more. And this is what led me to that revalation about writing: that I was in some small way avoiding it because it is difficult, and that's no reason at all. The hard thing about maintaining a blog is that events in one's life do not occur in some regular pattern. We don't step outside and say 'Oh, today is Monday, something life changing is going to happen at 2.' It's just not the way it works. Which means that during the periods of in between, it's easy to fall into a rut, and not bother to post. And then, the exception becomes habit, and habit evolves into rule. End blog.

I'd prefer for that not to happen, so I'm once more returning unto the fray, where I shall remain! After all -- these posts seem to mirror my stress: the more stressed I am, the more likely I am to post [that probably speaks for my blogging at MIT -- I'd blog just about every week. :P ]

In any event, the past few weeks have been exhilarating, and terrifying, all at the same time. My new existence as a college-critter at UMass Lowell is becoming a reality, as I purchase such ordinary things as a laptop-compatible backpack and binders and so on and so forth for my college classes. I am the proud owner of a UMass student ID [which I would post here, but for the problem of identity protection], and I'm preparing to apply decals to my car to permit me to park on campus. In the meantime, I have my new phone [the HTC Incredible]. It's not quite as incredible as it's hyped up to be, and simultaneously much more than you hear. I haven't given it heavy use in the app department, and I find the keyboard restrictive. But the voice-to-text feature is absolutely amazing, and the integration with Google makes me drool. I have found myself doubly glad for the Navigate app, and frequently consider the phone my safety blanket: I can't get lost or disconnected from the world. It's an illusion, but oh-so-comforting, and I love it. Unfortunately, the battery was definitely sub-par [it came with a 1300 mAh battery, which is much too small], so I went ahead and purchased [today!] a 3500 mAh extended batter [which *UGH* made me get an extended case too, since it makes the phone fatter in back]. I'm excited by my tech [and also the camera...did I mention that? I'll post some pics that I've taken some time in the not-too-distant-future], and currently flying headlong towards A) a family vacation somewhere on the East coast, B) my first year at college, and C) my college applications.

I've gathered my requirements, and figure myself to be pretty well satisfied with my decisions on which 10 or so colleges I'll be applying to, and so all that remains is filling out the Common App [again], and MIT's app in late September. That, and taking the Physics SAT + retaking the Math II for an 800.

D:<

What fun. In any event, you've now been filled with that knowledge I have to offer for the day...so I'll off to bed, and you can off to ponder. Or whatever you do when not reading my posts. Whoever you may be. So...good night!

Excitement

I was chatting with my grandfather over dinner about the magic and wonder of Google, when my parents arrived home from an outing. It was a temple dinner type thing, for the executive board members of their temple [I subscribe to a far less religious religion, but they are both some degree of Jewry]. There, they told me, they had met a member of a computing center at Harvard University. And, as these things do [or so the folks tell me], I came up. In the course of conversation, this esteemed member of the Harvard research staff explained that he worked on neural imaging, and that it might be possible to find me a research internship at Harvard University, working with neuroscience and computers.

Now, my current plans are to major in some variation of neuroscience and computer science, with an end goal of graduate work in prosthetics, and the interface of the human brain the the computer. So the idea of (1) working on it now instead of later and (2) working on it at Harvard fills me with a maniacal kind of joy that makes me want to cackle in the most maniacal way possible. No really: I'm so excited I find it difficult to keep from shouting out platitudes about fate fortune karma and the existence of a God or something.

In any event: I've set the wheels in motion. By this I mean I've manned up, cleaned my room, returned a defective laptop computer keyboard, sent email to the aforementioned Harvard researcher, and prepared to reinstate through all the proper mediums contact with the MIT admissions department to discuss the use of my social networking tool: Nebula.

In the meanwhile, I shall cram biology into my head as fast as I possibly can with the help of my dear friend Fred, biologist extraordinare, who will be teaching me as much of AP Bio as can be taught in the remaining time before Fall semester starts [indeed @ UMass Lowell, as my schedule arrived today -- more on that in a later post]. Methinks my summer is finally about to leave the stage of total rest and relaxation to the point of stagnation, and enter the stage that I know so well: the part where I fly spinning out of control into something cool.

Ah yes, it feels good to be out of control again. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like.

;)

Googtastic

Until fairly recently ago, I would have been a staunch supporter of the Windows platform over all others, in especial Apple and Linux. Apple for the poor handling of proprietary -- and sometimes downright monopolistic -- applications and source, and Linux for the difficulty in making it work.

However, my life was brightened, and my world corrected by the recent discovery of Google. Now, some people fear that Google is taking over the world. Quite honestly, I must say that I wish they would hurry up with it, so I could consolidate my credentials to Google-only, and use that to get into my house. Of course, then I'd have to encrypt the encryption for the encryption of my password, but that's beside the point.

I have discovered the power of Google, and am fast moving to view Google as my favorite company, ever. The power of a distributed web service is not to be understated, and I am falling in love once more with Google. I've used GMail for years, but never as my primary account. Now, I exist in a weird blend of Windows, Apple, and Google.

My favorite applications are probably -- and this list ignores what some might define the application rule size and distribution, but we'll ignore that -- Google Chrome, Google Talk, Google Mail, Google Search, Google Desktop, Yahoo! Mail, Facebook, Google Docs, Google Code, Netbeans, and a host of others that leave the scope of this blog post.

The reason I say my life is a confused muddle of providers is because my computers -- desktop and laptop -- both run Windows XP, but the majority of the utilized software is not Windows specific -- indeed, it is either Google, or Netbeans [we'll ignore Warcraft as a red herring ;) ]. I most frequently check my email from my (Apple) iTouch, which runs all my many email addresses [so many, have to track Yahoo!, Gmail, UMass Lowell, and Vincanet [personal company address]]. I will soon add my DInc -- Droid Incredible -- running the Android 2.1 OS to the mix, further diversifying my portfolio. Windows, Apple, Google -- I use them all. However, Google is the most pleasant to interact with, and the one that truly excited me. I tolerate Windows, and complain about Apple frequently.

Let's go Google. You're keeping me waiting.

On what might be

I frequently find that my inspiration far outweighs my stamina when it comes to improvement and optimization. At heart, I love the thrill of a challenge: but for me, anything suboptimal represents just one more opportunity to excel, to go faster, to reach farther..unfortunately, this is most frequently a source of frustration. For every idea that I have, the seed represents the easy part of any sort of actualization. Next would come a great deal of work to demonstrate [what we call a proof of concept in software] that the idea has merit. If, at that point, anybody were to be interested, then it might move beyond the stages of errant design in my head into something that a team might work on for a substantial period of time, and only at the end would my optimization be realized, having required enormous effort from many. And that represents the intrinsic problem of modern software: it's so dang hard to realize an idea to the public!

I have only ever moved into proof of concept stage once, with a product named Nebula. Currently, I've fallen flat on my face, as it were, in the search for the next step. Unfortunately, the work was divided, and my partner is pursuing other work at the moment. Ordinarily, I would shrug it off, and take up his burdain, and program all the way home myself. However, his work represents the server, implemented in C++ [another language that I am only barely familiar with]...and therefore there is little I can do. So perhaps I shall continue to work elsewhere, and perhaps I shall come back, demo, and actually make it take me somewhere. Difficult to say what the future holds.

In keeping with my motto of brief, but meaningful, posts I shall leave today at that. I will, however, mention that the experience of waiting for the new HTC Incredible phone to ship from the Verizon warehouse [I bought one a week ago, and it was promised to ship by 7/28...!?] is not enviable. I wish it would arrive! However, my consolation prizes come in the form of the accessory cache I am building up...today I received a little device that fills my heart with warmth, or at least power. AA batteries into cell phone/iTouch/camera juice! Yummy.

On Relaxing, and why it might be capitalized

A book I once read [specifically one of the Codex Alera series by Jim Butcher] contained within its glossy pages some acerbic wit. However, I maintain that the storyline was the main draw: really. Regardless, in the course of some banter, a soldier exclaims that it is a soldier's sacred right to complain. This has stuck with me, and been transformed to the student's sacred right: after all, we may work just as hard as the so-called 'working' individual, but we are often viewed by adults as lazy, or if not lazy, at some inferior level.

Unfortunately, in that role as student, it is easy to become embroiled in the realm of competition, especially at the high school [college competition] or undergraduate [grad school competition] level. We are prone to seeing people as potential competitors, and to choosing our actions by virtue of what others around us might be doing, or not, as the case may be. Indeed, as we all define ourselves by looking to the sides, I believe we end up in one big line of people not looking where they're going, but that's content for another post.

Moving away from competition...in my own role as student, I rarely take vacations. Even during the so-called designated vacation times during the year, I am prone to working to catch up, as I suffer from a chronic lack of balance. Unfortunately, I am not a robot [much as I find the idea intriguing], and do need some rest. I take it in small doses over the year, but suffer a mini-cycle of burnouts: by the end of the academic year, I'm exhausted. The problem is therefore how to relax over the summer, so as to be recharged for the next one.

I've found this summer to be a great deal harder than last summer, by way of relaxation, for the simple reason that I have applied to college now, and must do so again. I remember that the contents of this summer will be laid out and dissected by the admissions officials, and my activities weighted against those of my friends. It is difficult then, to justify jogging and swimming and playing video games, when it will be used against me. Even my limited pursuits [read: teaching myself SQL and JDBC to round out my knowledge of the Java programming language], and holding a part time [read: 20-30 hours/week] programming job in Ruby seem to me lacking...I feel like I should be pursuing other things, and doing great stuff, like my classmates who are traveling the world, or my classmates who are enrolled at the Harvard Secondary School. And yet, my success over the school year depends on my ability to perform, and that ability depends on my restedness at the get-go. Especially given that next year will be at UMass Lowell -- an actual college, with hypothetically challenging classes.

Oh well - I strive for an optimistic attitude! I shall overcome. In the short term, that'll mean fixing my laptop [which has come down with a bad case of Oracle's SQL server >.> ] with more RAM, and an adjusted keyboard, and in the longer term, pursuing the sale of my product, Nebula.

Beginnings

Beginnings are hard. Sometimes very hard. I have, in the past, started and failed to update several blogs, and several social networking accounts at various sites around the web. I suppose you might say that I've been in search of a cohesive identity to display to the world, if you were interested in typing my behavior with some sort of label.

However, I hope that this blog will be slightly more long lived: I see it more as a journal than some sort of glorified designated egocentric prattling center. This then raises the question of how exactly I should write, and, after some small thought [that's a lie -- I'm using a writing style called 'stream of consciousness' which doesn't allow for much thought] I've decided that a relatively informal and at times engaging style will do me best.

Having decided upon the writing style, there is that pressing question of content. My life is, after all, quite important to me, but not necessarily so important to you. What is interesting? What is best for you? Well...furthermore, what is best for me! In the interests of keeping the blog semi-regular, I've decided that I'm going to try and update about once a week -- my initial plan is to collect stories to write about over the week, and then write one article during the weekend, when life isn't so hectic. I realize too that longer is not necessarily better, either for you the reader, or for me the writer. Therefore, I will try to be concise -- although I must admit that I may fail sometimes.

In the past, I've made my first blog entry an 'about me' type deal. That's not really going to happen for this one. I figure that I may have few readers indeed, and those of you that do read will quickly get a feel for who I am. If not, I'll provide some basic information that should equip you to understand where I'm coming from. And without further ado...welcome to my blog.

Remember: if you don't mind, it doesn't matter.